Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
