we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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