walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
