I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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