U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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