just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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