I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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