just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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