Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
