wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
