just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize