My friends, they love my intelligence
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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