I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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