just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
