just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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