Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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