Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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