he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
