shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
