Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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