guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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