Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
