ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
