in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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