Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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