i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
