You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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