I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
