I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
