I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
