She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
