I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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