He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
