Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
