someone threw a dead crab at me
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
