i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
