Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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