I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
