my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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