I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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