The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
