she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
PANTIES FOUND
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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