turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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