I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
