so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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