i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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