Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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