Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
