she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
