i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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