Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
