Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
