im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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