Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
