Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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