he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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