Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Drunk is not a location!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
