well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
