After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
