the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
