i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Randomize
